A garden designer’s experience of Moscow!
Article by Sally Court
Rublyovka is perhaps the very worst place in the world for traffic jams, unnecessary jams purely caused by the insensitivity of the men in big black cars with “blue buckets” fixed firmly on their car roofs. It’s now 18.35pm and we have been sat stationary, well practically stationary for 50minutes now just because Mr Medvedev wants to get home and we happen to be on the road where he lives. It’s insane. This is the area with a cluster of “villages” all rolled into one where the rich and famous live cheek by jowl on the outskirts of Moscow. A trip about the same as the centre of London to Weybridge.
Many of our trips to Moscow are dominated by traffic jams and the waste of time just sitting around is more and more increasingly frustrating, costly and exhausting. As busy London based garden designers working on many projects, both in the UK and abroad, time is precious so when flying into our Moscow based client we are working to tight deadlines. Nevertheless we always book flexible flights as we never know if we will miss a flight due to traffic conditions or the whim of the Russians that we are working with. This time we arrived on Monday evening and for once we had a clear run from Domodedovo airport to our hotel, just a stone’s throw from the Kremlin and Red Square. We both exclaimed what a delight it was to have a clear run.
Not so lucky the next day. A busy day with a visit to a nursery about 75k from the city centre scheduled for the morning and another about an good hours drive in “the region” of our client’s garden in the afternoon . Nothing is close at hand or made easy for the visiting landscape architect. This visit we started our day with a visit to a bank with our interpreter to get the cash required for any purchase outside a large shop or restaurant in the city. After explaining that we needed to cash more money than an atm machine would provide we were ushered into a small cash booth to go through a long rigmarole of cashing a couple of thousand pounds or so on a card. Hours later (or what seemed like an inordinate age) we walked out clutching a handful of rubles to enable us to buy some of the necessary plants. We made good time to Odintsova and on to our client’s garden to meet up with our gardener and then out onto the M1 Minsk Road towards Smolensk. We were filled with optimism but this, as usual, was a false optimism generated by the “glass half full” syndrome.
This is where we met our first jam of the day, a huge accident which caused mayhem and stagnation on the motorway. No-one was moving up or down or on or off the motorway. Eventually we managed to crawl off and headed off in what appeared to be the wrong direction via a mass of winding routes to find a way through past the jam. The weather broke, rained poured down and all the roads leading around the motorway came at a standstill. We got going again and then hit a 40 minute holdup to allow the men in overalls to paint a pedestrian crossing by a set of traffic lights. Why the Russians have traffic lights let alone pedestrian crossings on motorways is a mystery to me. But why they carry out what appears to be insignificant maintenance in the height of the traffic rather than in the calm of the night also beggars belief. In general their driving is of a low standard and the general road chaos is mind-blowing and a misery and truly frightening to the well behaved Brit. Road safety and law are just ignored by all and sundry. There is so much aggression and rudeness which appears to be the norm amongst the Moscovites but it is really pumped up by testosterone to the nth degree when they get behind the wheel of a car. This really makes any journey very uncomfortable.
We never made it to the first nursery. Plans changed. We decided to split. Helen would head back to the garden to make a 3pm meeting while I would attempt to get to another nursery slightly nearer the client’s site. (Did I explain that we were in two cars in tandom just make things more complicated?) But it wasn’t to happen. Even more traffic, so both of us from different directions just about made the meeting. Afterwards we then piled into one car for a traffic free journey back to the centre for a 5.30 appointment! No real work achieved during the day but the garden is looking good.
Now back to this traffic deadlock. This is day two of our four day visit. We have had a long day repeating yesterday’s attempt to get to the nurseries, this time we made both. There were plenty more frustrations in the way in which business is conducted but more about that in another whinge. Nevertheless plants are arriving the following morning to enable us to carry on with completing the landscaped garden for our client. Eureka! We are on our way back to the hotel when we ran into this no-go-anywhere situation. It’s been a very long day and we are due out this evening with a business contact so should be at our best and brightest. A table has been booked for 8 o’clock and a Russian colleague is meeting us at 7 at the hotel to go through the details prior to dinner. Time is slipping by and we are going no where. We haven’t moved an inch. Phone calls are made, the table re-booked for later…. It is boiling hot and I have run out of water. And my temper is getting shorter and shorter. I want to scream at someone.
If anyone had explained back in Twickenham that we would be spending more time in traffic than designing gardens and landscapes I would not have believed it. I don’t understand why the Moscovites put up with the poor traffic systems so patiently day after day. Why doesn’t someone take it in hand? Get the traffic sorted and soon – it isn’t rocket science which you are good at – so it should be relatively simple to put in some effect controls including charging for parking so idiots don’t park willy-nilly on over choked routes blocking the on-coming cars. Put in more roundabouts and fine drivers huge amounts for not adhering to the laws. Stop dolts in their over-large 4X4s from driving up what is effectively the hard-shoulder or wrong lane and cutting in just to get in front of the queue. Gaol them, take away their licenses (if they have one) and throw away the key. Confiscate their cars. Crush them into cubes that we can recycle in our landscape designs. Goodness that’s a bit Jeremy Clarksonish isn’t it? Just teach them road protocol and manners and that will help get the traffic moving. More importantly stop the blue buckets and their entourage from taking precedence over their compatriots. This really does add to road rage, especially mine!
Nothing is as frustrating as waiting for a politburo personage, especially Medvedev or Putin and their families to either go into the city or come back in the evening. They lord it over their electorate and have right of way over all and sundry and as a result all roads are closed for their and only their convenience. The police manually over-ride the lights and effectively act like petty minded little gods. Woe betide you if you try to battle your way through – only blue buckets are allowed this privilege.
Day three, well we sat there for 1.30 hours in the end. OK we are only relatively mildly put out but after a very long day doing the two nurseries that we didn’t reach it would have been nice to get back to the hotel for a calm shower and change prior to going out for dinner. We got back in time for a quick brush up and then out, no time for that essential debrief from our colleague and we were very late for the dinner reservation at the aptly named “Sad” restaurant. Sad in Russian means garden!
Thank you Mr Politbro man for your kind consideration for your fellow men and women. One day perhaps you will commission not only traffic planners but landscape architects to help transform your hideous green security walls that certainly have never been designed by any sane architect! At least we garden designers were able to evaluate the very poor quality of the landscaping while sitting twiddling our thumbs going no-where. So please give us the opportunity to improve the scenery for the drivers and passengers while sitting in their stationary vehicles. Or do something about taking control of the poor traffic situation. It’s costing us not only hard-earned money but our sanity. I suppose this is just too much to ask!
About the Author
Sally Court is co-director of CGD Landscape Design. The company philosophy combines the functional with the artistic to create inspired and sustainable gardens and landscapes. We embrace local characteristics and conditions to develop landscape design solutions which are sympathetic and can be surprising in their simplicity.